Ok, This Is Just Ridiculous Already!

Hey all,

So I needed to just take a moment to update my blog. I've neglected all of you long enough. Hopefully you all have not given up on me and are able to read this.

I completely left Weight Watchers and all my goals by the wayside last month around Thanksgiving. I really let the holidays kick my butt this year! A friend of mine from kindergarten and fellow WW follower told me not too...she said "Marian don't overdo it. You'll regret it." Over the past 4-6 weeks I've noticed that I've picked some of the old habits that I had dropped. In doing so, I've gained back some of the weight that I lost from August - October. And not only that but I feel really "yuck" in my body.

So HOW did this happen? The holiday season in and of itself got really busy. I never planned on NOT having the time to work out. I didn't plan on NOT having the time to cook and make my own meals. And to be honest I could have MADE the time but I failed to plan. And like the old saying goes, "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail." And I failed myself over this past holiday season. I allowed myself to get lazy and eat whatever and didn't plan time for the gym. In doing so, I only cheated myself.

As you can see, I make no excuses. This is my fault. Yes, it was Thanksgiving and Christmas. But Thanksgiving and Christmas take place every year. Yes, I had parties and events. I should've had a game plan so that I would not overindulge. I should've made time for workouts. Even 30 minutes 3-4 times a week is better than nothing.

Anyway, I am not making a new year's resolution to workout, eat better and lose weight. Instead I am recommitting myself to what I have already resolved to do.

More to come!

GET A VISION!

The following is something I wrote for Facebook but I will also post here since it goes with last week's post. Thanks all for reading and loving on my blog!

Anyone that reads my FB statuses, follows me on Twitter, reads my blog...or just talks to me may have noticed that I have been unmotivated these past couple weeks...ok, pretty much all of October. If Marian were dressed in a costume the entire month of October, it would have been a slug costume. You may not have noticed on the outside since I'm always looking so fabulous (lol...kidding!) but on the inside I felt exhausted, drab, sluggish (hence the costume), and just plain lazy. If I could've designed my own silk-screen T-shirt it would have read "I don't WANNA do nothin'!" **I know that's a double negative. My degree is in English so of course I know. Get over it.** You get the picture.

Have you ever gotten up in the morning thinking "Do I hafta go to work?" When it's time to head to the gym, you all of a sudden "can't FIND your sports bra?" How about "I've been too busy to cook so pizza was the fastest thing I could make." These questions represent the three areas in my life that have suffered last month because I lacked the right motivation. I wanted to just stay in bed and sleep, I didn't want to work out and I wanted to eat WHATEVER I wanted. What does this sound like to you? To me, it sounds like a woman who lacks vision.

You may be perplexed thinking, "Marian, you don't have a vision for your life? Don't you know that GOD has a plan for your life? Don't you want to walk out your purpose?" Yes! Of course I KNOW all that. But last month, I found myself struggling in a stagnant moat of quicksand. And the more I struggled, the deeper I seemed to sink in. Somehow, I lost sight of where I was going and hence, could not accomplish any of the goals I had established.

Proverbs 29:18 reads, "Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he" (KJV). Without vision...might I add, DIVINE vision, GOD'S vision...you will perish...feel slugghish, lack zeal for life...feel unmotivated. The Message translation reads, " If people can't see what God is doing, they stumble all over themselves; But when they attend to what He reveals, they are most blessed." Based on that verse, I found that I had lost sight of the DIVINE reason I was committed doing the things I was doing. It all became frivolous and unimportant because I took God out of my doing. I tell you...if you ever take God OUT of what you're doing, it will become vanity and unimportant.

In Ecclesiastes 3:11 it says that God has PLANTED eternity in the human heart. The things that I am destined to do and WILL do have eternal purpose. Attaching that to my commitments gives them worth. Knowing that I am keeping my body strong and healthy so that I can be God's instrument to reach people is for more valuable than "I wanna lose fiddy (50 ebonically speaking) pounds.

It's all about your perspective. It is beneficial to find your WHY behind the WHAT you do. If God is behind your WHY, you will have the gas in your tank to endure. If your reason is just "because" you will, like myself, become apethetic and indifferent toward what God intended to be an exciting adventure designed especially for you.

What's your point Marian? The charge I make today is "GET A VISION!" Pray and ask God to give you a vision. Ask God to give you the passion to see that vision come to fruition. Tack the vision to your forehead, computer monitor, journal, bathroom mirror...where you will see it often. Partner with God and pray over your vision...He WANTS to help you tackle it...imagine that!

WhenI realized what was going on, it changed how I viewed my job, the people in my life, the things I'm involved in, etc. You don't have to wait until 2010 to get a fresh vision...you can do it NOW!

Slump of Unmotivation

Ok people, if any of you watch my YouTube vids you'll notice that I haven't posted any in almost a month. It's because I'm in a "SLUMP OF UNMOTIVATION." That is what I've offically named this mental state that I'm in. And that's exactly what it is: A MENTAL STATE. I really need to shift how I've been thinking and process my eating and exercising because I've been downright rebellious and it's not benefiting me at all! I completely know this and yet I feel like I'm in quicksand. The more I struggle to get out, the deeper I find myself sinking. I keep thinking I need to find some quote of inspiration that'll jolt me out of this stagnant pond of poo I'm in. Thankfully the number on the scale is not changing much, but I know it's only a matter of time before it creeps up and I do not want to flush all of my efforts down the toilet.

So today, I resolve that I am serving this slump an eviction notice. You have of close of business today to get on out of my house. If you are not out by tonight, I am kicking you out into the morning cold when I have a date to exercise with a friend promptly at 5am. I EXPECT you to be gone by then. There will be no further extensions or allowances. Your time is up!

This Is Just As Hard As I Expected

I officially began this public weight loss journey almost three months ago. To be honest, I am not happy this my progress. The one thing that stands in between my weight loss goal and all this weight is me. I lay here in bed to tonight wondering why I get in my own way of what I really want. If living with my goal weight is really what I want, why do I willingly sabotage myself? If I worked out at the gym, why would I come home and eat something to only negate that workout? If this is something I really desire, why do the hurdles and stumbling blocks seem so enticing? These are just questions I ask myself tonight. I have journals and journals that I have kept over the years where I have poured out my heart over and over again how self-conscious I was of my weight. Why was I not able to overcome back then? If my weight was causing so much pain, why did I settle for the fat shell that I still find myself battling? Was my happiness not worth the fight?

This journey is tough. It's hard...and I expected this. But as I make intentional decisions to workout and refuse foods I would normally jump at, I sometimes just want to give up. Am I really doing this for me I wonder? If everyone were ok with me being fat and loved the fat me as opposed to judging me, would I too be able to love the fat me as well. I do love me but I think I will love the skinny me more.

Anyway I'm just a-rambling here after midnight on a Friday night. I will sort through all this weekend. Obviously the process of refocusing is not yet over. Goodnight!

Friday Faves #4

The follow recipe was taken from Gina's WW Recipes. (http://weight-watchers-points-recipes.blogspot.com/) I tried this recipe last weekend. The prep time was minimal and the ingredients really enhance and bring out the flavors of this ALREADY wonderful vegetable. I happened to be over my points last Friday night so I refrigerated and ate it following my Saturday morning workout. It tasted even BETTER! This veggie recipe will definitely be a staple for me.

For all of you cauliflower phobes, this veggie is more like a potato than anything. So if you'd like to cut down on the carbs you're inhaling, I would definitely recommend the cauliflower. I am posting Gina's recipe here for convenience. But go and check out her website...there are so many more that I want to try.

Oven Roasted Cauliflower
Gina's Weight Watcher Recipes
Servings: 6 • Serving Size: 1 cup • Calories: 94 • Points: 2.25 pts


6 cups cauliflower florets (1 large cauliflower) cut small
3 garlic cloves, chopped
1/4 cup olive oil
kosher salt and fresh pepper
juice of 1/4 lemon
1/4 cup Parmigiano Reggiano, freshly grated
Preheat oven to 450°F.

Combine cauliflower, olive oil, lemon juice, garlic, salt and pepper well so all the florets are coated and seasoned. Place in a large shallow roasting pan and place in the center of the oven.
Roast for about 1 hour, turning florets occasionally so they are evenly cooked. Remove from oven and top with Parmigiano Reggiano and additional salt and pepper if needed.




When I first heard of Bagel-fuls a couple years ago, I was grossed out. My initial thought was Who the world wants to eat something where cream cheese is gonna gush out into your mouth?? I most certainly didn't want to. Perhaps many of you think that sounds wonderful. Not I. But I was at the local grocery store and saw that these where on sale for $1.74, so I figured why not give them a try. I tried the Cinnamon Bagel-fuls my first time and they were definitely yummy. So I went back to the store and purchased the Strawberry. It was love at first gush...lol. No, the cream cheese does not gush at all (for those who are cringe at gushing like me). But the Stawberry Bagel-fuls are amazing! They are amazing for a snack, breakfast, dessert, pretty much ANYTIME. Go get and rejoice!

Time to Re-Focus

The title of this entry is self-explanatory. I need to re-focus. Somehow I've become less disciplined than I was 13 weeks ago. Even 4 weeks ago. It all started 2 weeks ago, when I GAINED 1.6 at my weigh-in. I went home and ordered pizza. Pizza Hut Pizza and Cheesy Breadsticks no less. Not that I didn't care. That wasn't my mindset at all. I just figured I would treat myself for ONE meal and then go back the next morning. I even planned extra workouts to help offset the millions of calories I consumed. HOWEVER, the next day, I had car issues and that prevented me from getting to the gym, not to mention added stress so I ate more pizza. Again, I wouldn't say it was emotional eating. I didn't have time to cook and behold there was leftover pizza in the fridge. Were there better options for me in the fridge? Sure but it was easier to have a moment ENJOYING my pizza. This was in direct result to allowing my discipline to slip as well as a lack of thought prior to chewing.

THEN, my dad moved the same week from Hawaii. With him, he brought many yummy snacks and I partook because mind you, I have not been home to Maui in a long time. Pretty much my week went downhill from there.

So my Tuesday weigh-in rolled around and I skipped it. To be honest, I had not worked out nor had I put in the effort to stay within my Point intake so I figured a weight gain was inevitable and I did not want to see it.

So another week has gone by. I've done better but not perfectly. I've been far too lax and lenient and just plain careless.

But alas, I am going to my weigh-in today. NOT going will not change what the scale says. If I have gained weight, it will be a good lesson for me that I need to stay on top of this battle. Only I can do this (with God's help of course). But no one can workout for me. No one is going to say Marian, don't eat that cake. Only I can make those choices. And I am worth those choices. My healthy is worth those choices. Attendance at today's weigh-in and meeting is my opportunity to hit the reset button my my weight-loss clock and refocus. Right now and forward will be on point! I'll update you all following my weigh-in. Stay tuned!

Friday Faves #3

This healthy snack often gets overlooked and does not get enough credit. The fuji apple is the best snack around. I actually prefer this over candy these days. I know you're thinking what the heck is wrong with Marian? An apple is NOT better than chocolate. I beg to differ. The Fuji apple is no ordinary apple. It is sweet, juicy, and crisp. It's hard to find all three of those characteristics in one apple. But oh, the fuji exceeds my apple expectations everytime. I have YET to have a bad Fuji. Not to mention these precious gems are high in fiber and our beloved vitamins that we need on a daily basis. Good luck getting both of those in a chocolate bar! So pass up the Granny Smith, the Pink Lady and the Red Delicious and choose the Fuji! So yum!



I am in love with these sandwich flats! I may never return to regular bread again. These sandwich thins are perfect in the morning with sliced turkey and egg or at lunch with a Boca Patty. They are very calorie and carb friendly and have plenty of fiber. Not only are they healthy but they really have a nice taste and texture. And because there is less bread, you really taste the contents of your sandwich more.

Fat Girl Running #2 - So Far So Good!

I have officially completed my first week of my walk/jog program. Yay me! Honestly, jogging has not been as bad as I thought it would be. In fact, I'm actually enjoying it! I think this is a positive habit in the making and I'm really excited about the progress to come.

On my first day of jogging (Tuesday) I could only run 30 seconds without feeling like I was going to pass out. By Thursday, I was able to run all the 1-minute segments in the workout. This morning, I was able to jog all segments and the actual action of running is beginning to feel somewhat normal and less awkward.

In order to prevent injury and minimize soreness, I stretch for 5 minutes before and after each workout. And this has really helped. I thought I would wake up the next day crazy sore but I felt fine. Don't get me wrong, there was soreness in muscles that have not been worked but it was not interfere with anything I wanted to do.

Couch to 5K has also made me want an iPod Touch. There is an application available that allows you to listen to your own music but gives cues as to when it's time to walk and when to run. I'm currently using the stopwatch on my Nano to keep track of my segment times but it would be so convenient to have an automated voice direct me through my workout. I already have two iPods, so to purchase another one just seems impulsive and unnecessary. I was in Best Buy for an hour today and left the store with my money...still not feeling completely sure I wanted to buy one. So I'm still thinking about it...if anyone would like to bless me with one, I receive! Kidding but not kidding...lol.

Well I hope you all are having a great weekend. I didn't report on any Friday Faves yesterday but will definitely make up with FOUR picks this week!

Fat Girl Running #1

I finally implemented my walking/jogging program this morning. This has definitely been something I've been wanting to do for a long time now. Now that I have lost nearly 20 lbs., I feel like my joints are more mobile and can handle the load of jogging. Besides that, my workouts need something more

Now I've never jogged nor ran in my life. So when I hit the pavement this morning I felt completely out of my element. I warmed up with a brisk 5-minute walk. That was not a problem. But as soon as entered the first 1-minute segment of running, that action just felt completely foreign to me. It was definitely outside my comfort zone...which is why I have chosen to wake up at 5am BEFORE the sun comes out. Call me silly, but I DO NOT want ANYONE seeing me run. I already feel awkward enough. By the time Spring/Summer rolls around and the sun begins peeking out at 5am, I'll be a pro and won't need to hide under the light-less sky.

All in all, I am going to stick with the program. My short-term goal is to run/jog continuously without stopping for 30 minutes. I am giving myself 12 weeks. Maybe I'll be able to accomplish that feat sooner! We shall see! In the meantime, stay tuned!

Friday Faves!

This week on my shopping outing I picked up some of these almonds. Not only are almonds a substantial snack providing protein to hold you over until your next meal, these are covered in a dark chocolate! Normally, I'm don't get jazzed over dark chocolate AT ALL. I'm a milk chocolate kind of girl. But these almonds taste SO good. And these packs in particular are already divided into easy 100 calorie pouches so you can grab them and go. This morning I paired these almonds with an apple and I was super satisfied til lunch. Satisfied doesn't mean I don't want eat out of boredom...it just means I wasn't technically hungry.


My second favorite snack is something I whipped up in my own kitchen. Who would've thought that black beans and brownies would ever been combined to make a yummy snack? Not I! I found this recipe on the Weight Watchers message boards. I was intrigued so I headed to the grocery store and picked up brownie mix and black beans. You drain the liquid off the black beans and pour into blender. You add 1/4 cup water and puree. Combine the pureed beans with brownie mix in a large bowl. That's it. No eggs, no oil...just brownie mix and black beans. Got it? You mix well and put in baking pan. I placed in muffin pan for easy grab and go in the morning. But these muffins are without a doubt what my co-worker exclaimed "Amazing." They are super moist and fudgy...Weight Watchers or not, I will never make brownies the other way again. Not to mention the beans add protein and fiber! Double plus! Believe me, you can't taste the black beans at all! Also when picking up the black beans, make sure you don't get anything flavored like "Southwestern" or "Spicy Garlic" ... Just plain black beans like what is in the pic!

Temperature Check

Hey folks...

I realize that I have not been blogging regularly. Time seems to get away from me. However, I have a planner and I have scheduled times that are set aside for blogging. This includes updating this site and updating my YouTube videos. I may even begin to embed the YouTube videos here so they are consolidated in one area.

So today, my blog is a temperature check. This is an update of my journey in Weight Watchers thus far. It was been 10 weeks so far, and in that time, I have lost a total of 18.8 pounds. On one hand, I had higher expectations at the beginning but I am proud of my progress. Last Friday, I went shopping and found that I am down nearly 2 pant sizes! That was worth more than what the scale said.

I have found that this new lifestyle has nearly become second nature and I am able to effortlessly shop and cook without feeling like I have sacrificed something. Rarely do I even feel like like I'm on a diet. There are moments when I have cravings but they are momentary and I feel like I can move beyond them whereas before, I pretty much sulked. Yep, crossed arms, pouted lips and almost near tears...lol...well minus the tears.

Anyway, check out the vid. Feel free to comment, ask questions, encourage and share with others. My journey is YOUR journey! Love y'all!

Friday Faves!

So. I have found that when you are changing up your eating style, exchanging junk for healthy does not have to be at the cost of flavor and fun. I think most people give up on their weight loss goals because they are eating bland foods, blah salads, and ZERO sweets. I declare: THAT IS NO GOOD! Honestly. Who can sustain a LIFESTYLE of such boringness. I can't.

I have decided to make Friday the day I post my favorites of the week. That way, you folks who follow can, too, add some pizzazz to your snack times. I will present at least two different favorites ranging from main dishes, side dishes, snacks, drinks...basically whatever I shove in my mouth that is SO YUM.

1. Pumpkin Spice Frappuccino Light
That is the yummy beverage that my co-worker BFF and I are so happily sipping in the featured picture. She texted me last Friday raving about it. I was doubtful that something so yummy and low-cal could be SO delish. She offered to pick one up for me Monday and I died in my chair upon the first sip. Be sure to stop by Starbucks and get you one! SO YUM!

2. Chocolate Peanut Butter Frozen Pie
Let me just say that this is bacially a slice of graham cracker crusted HEAVEN. My co-worker BFF made for a dinner gathering she attended and was so gracious to save me a piece. I was really HATING Weight Watchers on Monday and that pie turned my day around. I will post the recipe later on. It can be found in the Weight Watchers Comfort Foods Cookbook. SO YUM!

Anyway, y'all have a SUPER FABULOUS weekend!

The Scale

The following post is something I wrote earlier this year regarding the dreaded scale and my feelings that still exist around my weekly weigh-ins. Enjoy!

I can empathize with the woman in this cartoon. As funny as it may seem, the scale and I have a hate/hate relationship. There is no love involved whatsoever. Have you ever dieted, worked out, went to bed feeling hunger pangs and just knew you were going to lose weight just to step on the scale and find that you gained 3 pounds? No? Well lucky you. This has happened to me pretty often during 2008. And it's SO infuriating. Makes you wanna leave that scale and eat a burger (which I did do a few times) because you feel like all your efforts just don't matter at all. So frustrating...and then I have a sister who works out with me twice a week, still eats fried chicken and loses weight like it's no big deal. But here I am working out 4-5 times a week and nothing budges and I don't even eat fried chicken!! Oh, the frustration.

One of my determinations for 2009 is to figure out what works best for my body and get this weight off. I've been on this journey since I was in 1st grade and I've definitely had my shortcomings but I am determined to continue this year. You would think after 24 years of living, I would've discovered the issue and lost this weight but unfortunately, it just hasn't been that easy for me.

I do thank God that I've never been a hermit because of my weight or had any extreme eating disorders. In fact, I think I always refused to be that typical "fat girl" who is bound by insecurity and fear and ends up being a loner and inactive. I've been determined to never be that. I have, however, battled those thoughts of not being pretty or attractive, feeling like I was always being judged, and I've always hated not being to wear all the things I want to wear. But a lot of that has been dealt with and I've rooted my identity in Christ as opposed to what the scale or the tag in my jeans says.

So I make a resolve to live healthfully. I have eliminated certain foods from my diet to do this. I will continue to work out 4-6 times a week. I am doing this to be healthy. I believe in time, the weight will come off (it better!). But I only have this one body and in order to do the Lord's will, I've got to take care of it. After all this is also the temple of the Holy Spirit and I want it to be a clean home -- spirit, soul and body.

And because weight and body issues have been a prevalent issue in my life, I'll probably be blogging more about this to come...in segments of my life and what was going on with that at the time. I think it'll give you all a deeper glimpse into who I am, how I've dealt with these issues, and how I'm being healed (in Jesus Name). I love y'all...thanks for reading.

A Weight Gain That Didn't Hurt Me

I would like to first off apologize for being so sporadic in my blog posts. August was SUPER eventful with moving and vacation leaving me without much opportunity to sit down and write a meaningful entry. I promise to not allow that to happen again.

Anyway, let's get to business. :)

Just got back from a very fun vacation this past Monday. I went to Seattle for a wedding I was in. I had not been to Seattle since I left last November so as the date got closer and closer, the more excited I got. And to be honest, I was looking forward to a break from work, family and this Texas heat. Life is great but sometimes you just cry out "Calgon, take me away!" Except I needed to physically fly away...even with my amazing bathtub, I needed something more than Mr. Bubbles.

Prior to my trip I planned to maintain my new Weight Watchers lifestyle. I was talking on the phone with my bestie Ammie, and I was like "oh, we must go here and eat this and then have this...oh and don't forget this." But the more I thought about it the more I realized that being on vacation DID NOT mean ditching my fitness and weight loss goals. Why would I want to go backwards? So...I planned out what "cheat foods" I would have and had devised a plan in HOW I could fit those foods in without going off the deep end. I left the day of my weigh in and returned the evening before my next, so the last thing I wanted to do was gain weight and regret indulging.

PLAN: I baked pumpkin and blueberry muffins for the trip. I brought oatmeal and popcorn along as well. I realized that having healthy snacks with me at all times would prevent me from having to reach for something unhealthy in the event of hunger. Since Starbucks is HUGE in Seattle, I figured muffins would be great so that I would not be tempted by all the goodies in the glass case. The blueberry muffin at Starbucks can contain up to 600 calories and 20 grams of fat!! No thanks!

I planned a couple hangouts with my friend Megan around working out at Gold's Gym. I knew that if I fit in a couple of workouts where I had time, that would allow me to eat more. More psychologically than anything...I would be so guilt ridden had I not taken my butt to the gym. And then I felt like I earned the right to eat too. Hey we all have our issues...and that's one of mine right now. :)

FOODS I ATE: I'm just gonna list all the foods I ate that I normally would not eat but made the exception since I was on vacay.
Wednesday Lunch: Bruschetta, Crabcake Sandwich, Sweet Potato Fries, Coconut Cake
Rehearsal Dinner: 1/4 burger
Breakfast Morning of Wedding: 6 slices of bacon (eek), eggs (more than 2 - eek), peach cobbler a la mode (a ala fat!).
Reception Dinner: Tortilini, Alfredo Sauce, Roll, Butter, Wedding Cake
Saturday Lunch: Mac Salad with my Hawaii BBQ
Sunday: Enchiladas, Tortilla Chips, Strawberry Shortcake, Zeek's Pizza (all veggies)

So I look at some of those foods and I think "whoa". But what I pat myself on the back for the fact that I ate some of those foods in small portions. (With the exception of the wedding day breakfast...I couldn't help it y'all. haha. That gluttonous beast in me reared her ugly face that morning in the midst of that southern breakfast. LOL) I still got to enjoy all the flavors but didn't gorge myself as I would have before. And it's funny because I would never have thought twice before eating those dishes before Weight Watchers. Now I can look at something and instantly think if the point value of that particular food is worth me consuming. Sometimes it's worth it...but often times it's not.

My Tuesday Weigh-in: I assumed I had gained. After all, look at the foods I'd had. But on the other hand, if there was a loss I wouldn't have been surprised either because all in all, I made good choices and worked out. Weight Watchers does not restrict WHAT you eat. Weight Watchers assigns points to every food which gives you the freedom to choose whatever it is you want to eat and be accountable for that choice.

I hopped up on the scale and asked the lady behind the counter how bad it was. She responded and said that it looked like I was the same. I tell you, normally I would be upset and frustrated but this time I was relieved. I had actually gained point 4. So not even half a pound! Yay...and really that gain was worth the allowances I made on vacation. I'm proud for allowing myself to be flexible and enjoy some goodies without being a glutton and also for fitting in some physical activity. Not to mention getting my groove on at the reception. LOL.

Well that was my week in a nutshell! Now that I'm back from vacation, I'm back to healthy choices and it feels good.

Pizza Power!

Since the START of doing Weight Watchers, I've had the biggest craving for pizza. And not just any pizza. Pizza Hut Pan pizza which happens to be the greasiet, oiliest, and fattyest pizza to my knowledge. I LOVE everything about that pizza. The ooey, gooey cheese, the buttery thick crust, and the flavor. I'll even settle for some cheesy breadsticks. I even dreamt that I ate a few of the cheese breadsticks on my first week of WW...that's how intense this craving is.

I've been doing research to find the best tasting "healthy" pizza. I tried Healthy Choice last week and though rated one of the best tasting pizzas by Hungry Girl...I disagree. The sauce was way too sweet. I found myself dissatisfied with that pizza craving ever present in front of me.

ONE slice of Pizza Hut pizza will use HALF of my allotted daily points that I get on WW. I have not decided if this is worth it yet. I think not. At this point, I would rather eat more of something else that will be filling and healthy. If I eat ONE slice of pizza, I will be hungry again in literally three minutes. And that is if Marian can muster up the will power to stop at one slice. I don't trust myself and that is why I have chosen not to splurge.

And really - it's JUST food. How can food have such POWER? Is it me fueling these fatty cravings with the power that they have? If so, can I just as much empower the HEALTHY stuff. So instead of pizza, I crave a turkey sandwich on whole wheat with tons of veggies? Is it possible to fantacize about healthy foods...to meditate on that which is good and good for me? I think so. It may require me making a concerted effort to renew my mind and my way of thinking of the foods that I choose to eat but yes, very possible. Why fantacize on that will be destructive to my health and weight loss goals when I can think about making choices that will propel me even further toward the prize and cause me to feel energetic as opposed to slumpy and lazy!

I choose that which will propel me higher today! Pizza is just not that important to me.

Another Level: More than What the Scale Says

I am so proud to say I have reached new levels in my new lifestyle of eating better. I once heard the worst aspect of being deceived is the fact that you don't know you are deceived. And when it came to my food intake, I was CONVINCED that I was eating just fine. Why? Because I was eating like EVERY other thin person that I know. But I was deceived to think that what works for every one of my friends would work for me too and that my body was malfunctioning and in need of healing. On the contrary! What needed healing and renewal was my MIND!

Mind you, I was not the outlandish overeater that many overweight people tend to be by a long shot. However, I have learned that many of the foods I was consuming was not condusive for weightloss or my body type. I'm trying an array of new foods now and I am definitely keen to what works for me and gives me energy vs what bloats me and slows me down. I try to steer clear of the latter no matter how tasty it may sound at the time. For instance, cheese...I love it. I have found the joys of lowfat and fat free cheeses that help me to stay within my caloric/fat intake goals. But cheese makes me feel icky. Does that mean I'm gonna give it up altogher? HECKS NO! But I will eat that less often than --- say fruit which my body L-O-V-E-S!

And the reveleation of what works and doesn't work is just one facet of this new level I've reached. I'm loving how I feel. The scale did not reflect a huge loss this week (1 pound) but I know that my progress is more than that. I feel leaps and bounds better about myself knowing that I am INVESTING in myself. I am literally LOVING myself more BY eating better and fueling it properly. As oppposed to eating impulsively, I'm listening to my body's signals. What is it hungry FOR? And instead of fresh fries, I'll put in cherry tomatoes, baby carrots and laughing cow cheese. YUMMERS...and my body loves it not to mention it tastes pretty bomb too.

Watching My Weight...go BYE BYE...

On Monday I took the plunge and joined Weight Watchers. Let's be honest, I've always had a stigma that WW was for middle-aged women that claimed they wanted to lose weight but never did. Instead they resolved to live a life full of Smart Ones (WW meals for those who don't know), counting points and stuck in their overweight rut. Au contraire...that was definitely a misconception and a very skewed stereotype.

My "co-worker BFF" asked me if I wanted to join with her last week and I agreed. We joined this past Monday and went to our first meeting on Tuesday. My weigh-in was not a huge surprise at all. However I find it embarrassing whenever someone other than myself sees my weight. I can only imagine their thoughts when they see that number. "How could she allow herself to get this heavy?"

So far, being on the WW program is a lot of fun...especially when you're doing it with someone else. We hold each other accountable through the day. We even text each other in the evening to check on what's for dinner and it we are staying within our points. I did not expect WW to be this fun!

We are being creative in our meals. I, personally, will still Eat Clean but I will stay within my Points. Like any weight loss program, WW is a discipline. It's a lifestyle change. Not a diet. They even suggest that you lose no more than 2 pounds a week. At first, I was thinking "TWO POUNDS? That's it?? That may not sound like a huge amount, but it does add up. So I am excited.

In the midst of my excitement, I have noticed a couple of fears trying to squeeze their way into my brain. I did this program briefly before and I gained weight on it. So every now and then, I keep hearing a little voice inside saying "This isn't gonna work", "You're going to gain weight again", "You're going to be fat forever and fat is ugly." These are thoughts I have about myself. But I do not accept any of those confessions at all. I know who I am goes WAY beyond the numbers on the scale, a dress size, or what I may look like.

Anyway, I'm super excited about the investment I'm making in myself. And for the first time, I'm looking forward to my weigh-in on Tuesday.

Weight Gain...pooper.

Hey all...

I gained 1.4 lbs last week y'all!. Not OK!! Not sure if you all are following my videos or not but I posted one yesterday on this. Again, check it out on YouTube. http://www.youtube.com/user/liberationoflosing

Why did I gain weight? I don't know. Well actually I do. haha. I can honestly say I did not do all I could do to guarantee a success weigh-in. I pushed the envelope at too many meal times. I ate things I should have resisted (ribs, ice cream, stuffed potato skins).. I blanked on my water intake. I skipped a couple workouts. So all the things added up...to 1.4 lbs.

I didn't blog or create a video right away because it was unexpected and to be honest just plain embarrassing! What girl wants to GAIN weight while people are peeping in. Not this girl.

SO! I joined Weight Watchers today. Oh yes! More accountability. More structure. I'm doing this with a couple of my co-workers which will be great for support and motivation too. I get a buttload of points to eat so I'm trying to be creative so that I'm not filling myself up with crap but with wholesome good. My co-worker and I are going to our first meeting tomorrow so I will changing my weigh-ins from Wednesday to Tuesday. Weigh-in Tuesday doesn't have that same ring as Weigh-in Wednesday but oh well.

But it's crazy how what you may think are minor slips can add up to weight gain in the end.

My lesson learned?
Be committed. Be diligent. Be devoted. It's my investment. It's something no one else can do for me. Those extra calories are not worth it. The momentary flavor on my lips is not worth the flab on my hips. I will workout. My body will be fit and strong through hard work and discipline.

I was talking with my friend the other day. And she was talking about what our bodies were created for. Our bodies were made for physical labor in order to support our livelihood. But majority of us have desk jobs where we sit all day. We drive to get our food. We lounge and watch TV. Yet we complain about 60 minutes of cardio. What a revelation.

Inspiration for Today

"Whether it’s resisting that margarita at happy hour or getting a walk in every day, small successes will make weight loss more manageable." JillianMichaels

I love when I find a quote and something within me resonates with agreement. Today, this quote works for me. Trying to tackle such a large task, as weight loss, ALL at once is difficult. It would be hard to eat a T-Bone steak all in one bite...not only would it be hard, it's impossible. Same when dealing with weight loss, reversing old habits and creating new ones. You have to take it one "bite" at a time. Literally.

Happy Monday! Just wanted to stop in share...love y'all!

The Weekend: Staying Active!

Saturday has finally arrived...approximately 50 minutes ago my Saturday arrived. I'm writing this entry with an unwashed face and unbrushed teeth. I fear this weekend may get away from me if I do not sit and write this very moment.

Staying active is on my mind today. Now, I am not new to working out. I've been a gym-goer since high school. I still remember the first time I went to a gym. I Oooh'd and Ahhh'd over the various treadmills, I was intimidated by the elliptical machine, I found refuge in the Women's Only weight room, I was intrigued by how much one could sweat in a sauna.

The gym is indeed a great place! I belong to Gold's Gym which I absolutely love because there are allover the place. When I go to Seattle next month, I'm gonna hit up the one in Redmond and make myself at home in the steam room after a good workout. Vacation does not mean I will not be sticking to my plan. My plan to lose is still alive even when out of town!

Back to the gym. If you find a gym that you absolutely love, you will find yourself wanting to spend more time there. Spending more time there results in staying active more. And keeping active is the key to winning in this game. It does not have to be a full blown workout all at once, even the little things help. Taking the stairs, parking far and walking into the store, 30 minute walk here, 15 minute walk there. The small things will get you acclamated to working out so that when you jump into a 60-minute workout, you don't die! Of course, it's important to physically challenge yourself as well.

When you are choosing a gym, make sure that it has all that you are looking for. Shop around. Many gyms have free trial periods. Check those out. Check out the classes. Will they challenge your fitness level? Is there a pool? Is the staff friendly and helpful? Are there locations close to your home and job? How about when traveling out of town? Are there travel passes? These are all things I looked for in a gym. What you desire may be different, just make sure that you are completely happy at the gym you choose. You want to be in an environment that is condusive to working hard and having fun while doing it.

My struggle now is GETTING to the gym. Find TIME to make it to the gym. The time is definitely there, I just need to make sure I do. If I don't, I have a few DVD's at home that are great so I can still get that workout in.

My plan today? I will packing, moving boxes...staying active that way. In a couple hours, I'm going to head downtown to a pool to swim laps and play around with friends. Can't wait!

Have a great Saturday y'all!

The Big Day: Weigh In Wednesday #1

I could hardly wait to get out of bed this morning because I knew I would recording some big numbers...yes literally big numbers. Alas, they are big numbers I know I will never see again for this is me finding Liberation in Losing for the Last time! Yes sir!

As of right now, I will not be posting my astronomical numbers here on the blog. Having this blog alone is a HUGE step for me. Putting my numbers out there for the world to see is a place I have not yet reached. Besides me, only my doctor knows my weight. Not my mom, not my dad, neither of my sisters, not even my trainer (and she happens to be my best friend). I am extremely ASHAMED of how much I weigh. I know you would all gasp in horror or laugh hysterically if I posted it. So with pride and dignity, I have decided to keep it a secret....for now. This journey is just as much emotional as it is mental so I may change my mind later.

I looked at the scale this morning, cocked my head to the side and said, "Ok...not bad". I am not at my heaviest. But I am very far from being where I would like to be. Like I mentioned before, I am very embarrassed about that number. When I look at that number, I can not help but think I have failed in some way. Regardless of the workouts and the sacrifices I've made to eat healthfully, I am still overweight. I don't really know how this blog will help me just yet, but I do know that I am determined and I don't think I was designed or even destined to be fat my entire life. I was formed in my mother's womb by the Lord's hands...made fearfully and wonderfully perfect. I will walk in THAT design.

So...

I will be creating a tab here where I will post my weekly losses (pray no gains) of pounds as well as inches. Look for that tab by next Wednesday.

ABC, Easy As 1, 2, 3

Monday has been a great day!

The three things I am focusing on this week are:

1. Being consistent in my food diary. I am keeping record that includes what I eat, when I eat, how hungry I was when I ate, what I was feeling when I ate. I am also tracking how much water I drink a day.

2. Being consistent in my workouts. This week I am focusing on Couch to 5K, Jillian Michaels's 30-Day Shred, and Body Jam at Gold's Gym.

3. Stick to my caloric intake. At this point in time, it is set to 1600 to 1700 calories. This may adjust as the weeks progress depending on how active I stay and how the pounds come off. If I don't see the scale changing, I may have to adust that number. Starving yourself is NOT how you healthfully lose weight!

So today, I grabbed a couple post-its at work and recorded everything I stuck in my mouth. The thing that works for me is planning meals IN ADVANCE so that I don't find myself grabbing McDonald's because I needed something quick and fast (which I would never do anyway).

In a post to come THIS WEEK, I will combo a blog entry and video on how to pack your food for the day. This is fool proof and you will have all the food you need to sustain yourself all day without going hungry and in turn, have food in your possession if you ever have a craving. This battle is offensive as much as it is defensive.

Today was the first day of Couch to 5K for me. I headed to the park straight after work. It was crazy HOT ... after all this is Texas. And here I am walking and jogging in 100 degree weather. Nevertheless, it helped to release the stresses of the day, get a good sweat and burn some calories. I am using Robert Ulrrey's Podcasts for Running from iTunes. For more information on the program see: http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml The podcast feature cues when to warm up, walk briskly, start running intervals and cool down. It is quite helpful.

These are my goals for this week! It is late here and I am pooped. I will talk to you all later!

Liberation of Losing - The Blog!

Drum Roll please...

The long awaited, forever anticipated blog is now here!

My name is Marian, I am 31 and I live in the beautiful Austin, TX. I am overweight and I have been overweight my entire life. I have no recollection of ever being thin. I have no clue what being thin even feels like. By the time, I was in 6th grade, I was over 200 lbs. I've been in the same size jeans since 7th grade. I've shopped in a plus sized clothing store all my life. I've been conscious of my body every single day of my life.

I remember being on my first diet in 2nd grade. I was put on Slim Fast. That would be the first of MANY diets through the years. I still recall my 3rd grade teacher pulling me aside every Friday to weigh me in the nurse's office. She told me that she wanted to help me lose weight but never told me HOW that was going to happen. I weighed 103 lbs in the 3rd grade! She instructed me to keep a food diary...many days I would abstain from meals altogether because I thought that was how you lose weight. I remember being super embarrassed when my friends would ask why we were going to the nurse's office every Friday. I didn't dare tell them the truth so I made up some excuse although I don't remember exactly what anymore.

My weight never interfered with my ability to make friends, meet new people, or get involved in new things. I've never been that fat girl hanging out alone at recess. In fact, I've always had a lot of friends and I make friends easily. Despite my confident demeanor, my body and my weight is something that occupies much of my thought life. And there definitely are moments when I feel insecure about how I look. At one point in my life, these thoughts were unhealthy and full of self-hate. But now, when I think of my body, I try not to think negatively about myself...instead, I try to maintain a perspective that is centered around my body and how it pertains to my health. I want to be at a healthy weight so that my days on earth may be long. I want a strong body so that I can do all the things God has planned without any physical limitations. I want to lose weight so that I can be an example to those around me that having victory and permanent success in this area is definitely possible!

The method I plan on using is the old fashioned one...smart eating and exercise. There will be no magic pills or lose weight overnight schemes. Just a lot of hard work, discipline and sweat. I will earn every single one of those pounds that I lose...I will be liberated as I lose the weight. I believe that people miss out getting to know the real Marian because they fail to see what lies beyond this sumo-like body. By liberating my thoughts and feelings and my journey here, I am also liberating the real Marian. As I lose the weight, more of me is being liberated. This is Liberation of Losing. I'm definitely excited to see the pounds and inches that I'll rack up as the numbers on the scale and tape measure go down.

I've started this blog to track my progress as I get serious about losing some MAJOR poundage. In conjunction with this blog, I will be creating videos to update you on how things are going on throughout the week, new things I am trying, what's working and what's not working, hurdles I'm encountering, etc. Basically, the videos are a way for you to get to know me personally. You can find these videos at http://www.youtube.com/user/liberationoflosing . Feel free to follow me on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Meleana78