This Is Just As Hard As I Expected

I officially began this public weight loss journey almost three months ago. To be honest, I am not happy this my progress. The one thing that stands in between my weight loss goal and all this weight is me. I lay here in bed to tonight wondering why I get in my own way of what I really want. If living with my goal weight is really what I want, why do I willingly sabotage myself? If I worked out at the gym, why would I come home and eat something to only negate that workout? If this is something I really desire, why do the hurdles and stumbling blocks seem so enticing? These are just questions I ask myself tonight. I have journals and journals that I have kept over the years where I have poured out my heart over and over again how self-conscious I was of my weight. Why was I not able to overcome back then? If my weight was causing so much pain, why did I settle for the fat shell that I still find myself battling? Was my happiness not worth the fight?

This journey is tough. It's hard...and I expected this. But as I make intentional decisions to workout and refuse foods I would normally jump at, I sometimes just want to give up. Am I really doing this for me I wonder? If everyone were ok with me being fat and loved the fat me as opposed to judging me, would I too be able to love the fat me as well. I do love me but I think I will love the skinny me more.

Anyway I'm just a-rambling here after midnight on a Friday night. I will sort through all this weekend. Obviously the process of refocusing is not yet over. Goodnight!