What's Going On?

I wonder if I will ever lose weight. Will I always struggle with this body I live in? Will I always be on a diet? I sit here at 1:42am, eating a piece of pecan pie, asking myself all these questions.

Last year I lost almost 60 pounds in 5 months. It was effortless. Well not effortless. I cut carbs, calories and friends. Yes FRIENDS. I learned that I ate socially! Well I ate emotionally too. And pretty I just like the taste of food. And I prior to my life change, I was a bottomless pit. I did not know the feeling of being full. But during that journey I had a good friend of mine train me. We literally worked out together EVERYDAY. He taught me how to eat. He guided me through workouts and we worked out together. But we hung out all the time outside of the gym as well. Needless to say, I fell in deep LIKE with him. I found I was no longer working out for me. On one hand I did want to lose the weight and work to improve my health. But on the other hand I found myself doing it to please him and to make him happy.

Now this was a very interesting place to be. About 2 months into working out together I had to ask him where he saw our relationship. He gave me the speech about how he valued our friendship and that he wouldn't make a good boyfriend. So I left it alone. But in the back of my mind I really felt that he was waiting for me to lose weight to make a relationship move. He talked about future with me. And how our futures were divinely intertwined. And I bought it. So I was dropping weight so quickly. I never felt hungry. I was drinking smoothies for dinner!

Well a relationship never flourished. And I made the choice to move on. I was introduced to an awesome guy. So sweet, a pure heart and the best smile in the world. I felt a connection with him immediately. We had so much in common. We were inseparable from the get-go. I began to trade my workout sessions at the gym for make-out sessions with new boo. I also began eating more treats and dinners. The weight crept on so fast.

I have not only gained the 60 lbs back but an extra 30 as well. I am at my all time high! It's nuts. I am so upset about it. It's hard to find my motivation and to keep it. I'd like to say my health is my main motivation. It's definitely a big reason, but it's not motivating me. I wish I could say my boyfriend was a motivator. I can not find a motivation that will make it stick.

My boyfriend is such a sweetheart. He picks me up in the morning and takes me to the gym and we work out together.

But the whole point of this post is me trying to find out WHY I'm eating. Yes I need motivation to workout but I'm really out to discover what causes me to eat ALL THE TIME.

I know that the reason is deeply embedded in my emotions. And I need emotional healing as well as physical healing. Perhaps spiritual healing. I've been through a lot over the year. I lost my trainer (best friend), I was laid off, lost my apartment, gave away my dog, moved home with my parents, car repossessed and my parents having health issues. A LOT. But I must move to the healing road.

I'm whole, healed, happy. :) That's my new prayer.

Emotional Wreck!

The question of lastnight was am I justified in how I felt or was I just being a blubbering emotional mess?? I know I tend to be cry-er, one who cries over any little thing, but lastnight was an extra special case. Perhaps I should tell you all what happened, and then you can be the judge.

It all started with me wanting Pho for dinner. Pho (pronounced fuh) is a delicious Vietnamese soup. I asked my boyfriend if we could go and he said yes. Well that made me happy since I have only had Pho only twice since I've lived in Austin these past 3 1/2 years. Having Pho was a big deal to me!! So my boyfriend went and worked out and I think he may have overexerted himself because he told me he was nauseous afterward. He told me that greek yogurt would make him feel better. So me, being the awesome girlfriend that I am, decided I would save the day and take him some yogurt. Little did I know that would forfeit Pho!

Secondly, we went to the Christian bookstore. I wanted to go for no specific reason. I just have a crazy obsession over books. So I was purusing the aisles and showing my boyfriend book after book...and possibly rambling about the titles, authors, which ones I cried over while reading, etc. No big deal right? Well he got tired of the bookstore and went to the car WHILE I was talking. That kinda hurt my feelings. And on top of not having Pho, that really made me sad.

I tend to cry a lot, like I mentioned and I know it makes the boyfriend feel bad. I'm really not trying to manipulate him with my tears. But I can't help it! After a unsatisfying dinner, we decided to watch a movie. He commented on how sad I looked. And I could not hold the tears in any longer. They spilled forth uncontrollably. So much so that he bursted into laughter because I must have had a ridiculous facial expression. I can only imagine how ridiculous I looked because even I was laughing between sobs.

I truly felt justified in how disappointed I felt. Do y'all think I overreacted at all?

Btw, boyfriend did apologize...not only for LAUGHING at me but for the bookstore and Pho incidents too. And he promised me Pho on Sunday! He's the best!