What's Going On?

I wonder if I will ever lose weight. Will I always struggle with this body I live in? Will I always be on a diet? I sit here at 1:42am, eating a piece of pecan pie, asking myself all these questions.

Last year I lost almost 60 pounds in 5 months. It was effortless. Well not effortless. I cut carbs, calories and friends. Yes FRIENDS. I learned that I ate socially! Well I ate emotionally too. And pretty I just like the taste of food. And I prior to my life change, I was a bottomless pit. I did not know the feeling of being full. But during that journey I had a good friend of mine train me. We literally worked out together EVERYDAY. He taught me how to eat. He guided me through workouts and we worked out together. But we hung out all the time outside of the gym as well. Needless to say, I fell in deep LIKE with him. I found I was no longer working out for me. On one hand I did want to lose the weight and work to improve my health. But on the other hand I found myself doing it to please him and to make him happy.

Now this was a very interesting place to be. About 2 months into working out together I had to ask him where he saw our relationship. He gave me the speech about how he valued our friendship and that he wouldn't make a good boyfriend. So I left it alone. But in the back of my mind I really felt that he was waiting for me to lose weight to make a relationship move. He talked about future with me. And how our futures were divinely intertwined. And I bought it. So I was dropping weight so quickly. I never felt hungry. I was drinking smoothies for dinner!

Well a relationship never flourished. And I made the choice to move on. I was introduced to an awesome guy. So sweet, a pure heart and the best smile in the world. I felt a connection with him immediately. We had so much in common. We were inseparable from the get-go. I began to trade my workout sessions at the gym for make-out sessions with new boo. I also began eating more treats and dinners. The weight crept on so fast.

I have not only gained the 60 lbs back but an extra 30 as well. I am at my all time high! It's nuts. I am so upset about it. It's hard to find my motivation and to keep it. I'd like to say my health is my main motivation. It's definitely a big reason, but it's not motivating me. I wish I could say my boyfriend was a motivator. I can not find a motivation that will make it stick.

My boyfriend is such a sweetheart. He picks me up in the morning and takes me to the gym and we work out together.

But the whole point of this post is me trying to find out WHY I'm eating. Yes I need motivation to workout but I'm really out to discover what causes me to eat ALL THE TIME.

I know that the reason is deeply embedded in my emotions. And I need emotional healing as well as physical healing. Perhaps spiritual healing. I've been through a lot over the year. I lost my trainer (best friend), I was laid off, lost my apartment, gave away my dog, moved home with my parents, car repossessed and my parents having health issues. A LOT. But I must move to the healing road.

I'm whole, healed, happy. :) That's my new prayer.

Emotional Wreck!

The question of lastnight was am I justified in how I felt or was I just being a blubbering emotional mess?? I know I tend to be cry-er, one who cries over any little thing, but lastnight was an extra special case. Perhaps I should tell you all what happened, and then you can be the judge.

It all started with me wanting Pho for dinner. Pho (pronounced fuh) is a delicious Vietnamese soup. I asked my boyfriend if we could go and he said yes. Well that made me happy since I have only had Pho only twice since I've lived in Austin these past 3 1/2 years. Having Pho was a big deal to me!! So my boyfriend went and worked out and I think he may have overexerted himself because he told me he was nauseous afterward. He told me that greek yogurt would make him feel better. So me, being the awesome girlfriend that I am, decided I would save the day and take him some yogurt. Little did I know that would forfeit Pho!

Secondly, we went to the Christian bookstore. I wanted to go for no specific reason. I just have a crazy obsession over books. So I was purusing the aisles and showing my boyfriend book after book...and possibly rambling about the titles, authors, which ones I cried over while reading, etc. No big deal right? Well he got tired of the bookstore and went to the car WHILE I was talking. That kinda hurt my feelings. And on top of not having Pho, that really made me sad.

I tend to cry a lot, like I mentioned and I know it makes the boyfriend feel bad. I'm really not trying to manipulate him with my tears. But I can't help it! After a unsatisfying dinner, we decided to watch a movie. He commented on how sad I looked. And I could not hold the tears in any longer. They spilled forth uncontrollably. So much so that he bursted into laughter because I must have had a ridiculous facial expression. I can only imagine how ridiculous I looked because even I was laughing between sobs.

I truly felt justified in how disappointed I felt. Do y'all think I overreacted at all?

Btw, boyfriend did apologize...not only for LAUGHING at me but for the bookstore and Pho incidents too. And he promised me Pho on Sunday! He's the best!

Counting the Cost

I went to choir rehearsal tonight and was welcomed into an amazing time of worship. Praising God is something I love to do. Its more than a song. Its literally magnifying God with all of your being.

In any case, after worship the music director said something like "doing anything for God is a priviledge." And while this is true I am feeling the weight of the responsibility that comes with the call.

After some thought and prayer, I realized that responsibility is not the heavy weight. The weight I was feeling was my sin. The sin I carried weighed me down to the point of not being able to fully operate in my gift. I believe this is why Paul implored the Hebrews to lay aside every weight of sin to run the race set before us. Its impossible to successfully win a race when you have weights tied to you.

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If You Don't Like It, Change It

Sooo...

If anyone knows me at all, one thing they do not know is my weight. I share this number this NO ONE. The only people that know are nurses and doctors and Weight Watcher women who have weighed me in. This information is only given on a MUST KNOW basis and it is "I" who determines who MUST know.

I have recently acquired a new trainer. He is actually a good friend of mine...well he's turning into a good friend of mine. He said he would need to know my weight amongst other bits of info in order to formulate a plan for me. Immediately I was like "No way will this guy ever know that." Via text conversation, he challened me to realize that my weight is nothing but a number. He said that if I don't like my weight then I need to change it.

I know the idea of not liking something and making the decision to change it sounds simple. But not for me. I feel like losing weight has been an uphill battle ALL MY LIFE. I've tried and failed so many times. So much that I'm almost afraid to try again. Of course I will not be defeated. I will continue to pursue a healthy lifestyle because my body is essentially God's house and I need to be a good steward of it.

Return of the Weight Loss Video Blog!

I've missed making my weight loss videos for the masses! I really don't have a massive following (yet) but the thought of people seeing my progress or regression has always been motive enough to stay on track during the week. Having to get on cam and let whoever in virtual land know that I gained weight was always horrifying. With that being said, I'm going to start my video blog AGAIN! Yay! I'm so excited!

I have not quite settled on a diet plan yet. It's a cross between eating clean and Weight Watchers. I love the simplicity of Weight Watchers and counting points. Eating Clean is great because it maintains the simplicity and organic-ness of foods with out getting too much Splenda and refined foods. I may do a combo of both. Stay tuned and I will let y'all know!

FAKE!

I'm a big advocate of being real. I dislike when I sense that a person is being something other than their true self. Yet at this moment in time, I feel like a fake. I will not disclose too many details but the very things I want to do and need to do, I don't. And of course the things I don't want to do and should not do, I do. Isn't that how it always goes? And I know that people experience this everyday and some people may see nothing wrong with it. However, I do because I hate the guilt I experience for not exercising discpline and self-control. Am I alone in this battle? Can anyone relate to what I'm saying right now?

I'll give an example. This example is light but it illustrates a little of what I'm saying. It's like committing to not eating fettucine alfreado because you've committed to eating a low-fat, vegetable rich diet. You tried to resist but you ate the alfredo anyway. It's something you can not undo. After all the noodles have been devoured, the reality of your actions set in along with guilt. I hate that feeling!

Whenever, I do something I should not have done, I brainstorm ways to avoid the temptation when it comes around again. Sometimes I have success and other times I don't. But I will not have peace until I have complete victory and the temptation is defeated entirely. Is this possible? Can I have hope for this?

I'm Tired of Being Fat!!!

Sorry, it is almost 2am and I find at this time of night, I'm most creative. It is during these hours where I look at my life and I start making lists of what in my life needs tweaking and I figure out HOW I will make that happen effective NOW.

Tonight I find myself scouring recipe websites. How in the world can I squeeze more fruits and veggies into my diet? Maybe I'll eat cabbage for a month. I must eat healthier. But then I found a site featuring the most AMAZING looking rosemary rolls and I make a mental note that those will be on tomorrow's menu at some point. Ugh. Why do I find myself being counterproductive in the midst of my productiveness? Rosemary is a veggie right?

Of course if I'm going to revamp my eating, I need to revamp my workouts. Hmm...what kind of extreme thing can I do. How can I lose 60 pounds in a month? It's possible right? I tell you, these are thoughts that go through my head at 2am! Maybe I'll walk for 5 hours everyday. Marian you can do it. Hmm...or maybe I'll start training for a triathalon. I'll create my own gym triathalon. Yeah...that sounds good.